Finding Confidence in Conflict: How Conflict Helps Us Grow Together

Finding Confidence in Conflict: How Conflict Helps Us Grow Together

Most of us don’t like conflict and don’t know how to handle it well. For some of us, conflict makes us strap on our emotional armor like we’re going into battle, while others want to run away screaming.

Some of us might react to conflict aggressively and fight to defend our side, and some avoid conflict altogether to “keep the peace.”

It’s also common to feel like something has gone wrong if we experience conflict.

But aaaaall relationships, whether in the workplace or in our personal lives, experience conflict. It’s simply the natural result of different people with different perspectives, desires, personalities, and opinions, interacting.

The truth is, conflict is not a bad thing. It’s not a problem or a mistake. Good relationships have conflict, which is normal, healthy, and even necessary. (In fact, strong relationships can have frequent conflict, but what makes it strong is working through that conflict.)

In fact, conflict can spur a lot of growth. It’s not necessarily fun, but it doesn’t have to be the dreaded thing that makes you want to hide under the bed.

In his TedX talk, Kwame Christian talks about tools and techniques to handle conflict in a productive way that actually strengthens the relationship.

Here are our main takeaways:

• Conflict may not be fun or easy, but it’s a healthy and necessary part of life, business, and relationships.

• Conflict can cause us to spiral into a fight, flight, or freeze response, but we can learn skills to navigate conflict more productively.

• The key to moving through conflict in a way that builds the relationship is “compassionate curiosity” and asking better questions.

Redmond’s Take on Conflict

“If you want to have personal and professional success, you need to be willing to engage with conflict.” -Kwame Christian

At Redmond, developing people is our top priority. We spend a lot of time together. We work to get to know each other and ourselves better.

But this doesn’t mean this is a conflict-free environment. Quite the opposite, in fact! Conflict is part of collaboration, and we strive to be a highly collaborative culture here at Redmond.

We see conflict as a necessary part of elevating the human experience. We’re all about shifting paradigms, and one of these paradigms is our view of conflict. We don’t try to minimize conflict, but use it as a tool. Our goal isn’t to lower candor or courage, but to increase consideration as well. We want a lot of BOTH. This allows us to work with conflict instead of letting it impede our growth or strain relationships.

The goal isn't to eliminate conflict or misunderstanding—because that’s impossible—but to navigate it successfully.

We also encourage all associates to talk about what they’re seeing. As Margaret Heffernan says, “Conflict is high because candor is safe.”

(By the way, a low conflict environment isn’t necessarily a good thing. It could mean candor and courage are low, that people just don’t care, or that things aren’t growing or moving forward. Just sayin’.)

Around here, we talk a lot about courage and consideration (borrowed from the work of Stephen R. Covey). When courage and candor are high, we speak up, and this can cause a lot of conflict.

This dovetails nicely with Kwame Christian’s concept of compassionate curiosity. When we’re compassionate and curious, we can bring up our concerns while also listening to others. We see others as people with different perspectives that are just as valid as our own.

Conflict resolution requires leaning in and getting a little uncomfortable.

Here are some tools we’ve found helpful:

Helpful Mindsets for Navigating Conflict

See the Value in Conflict

We might avoid conflict at all costs by leaving, changing the subject, or immediately backing down. We may think we’re being peacemakers, buuuuut what’s actually happening is that you’re seeking comfort.

A lot of us don’t speak up or sidestep conflict because we want to “keep the peace”. Rocking the boat is uncomfortable.

But if you constantly avoid conflict, there is no peace, just comfort. Those are NOT the same thing.

If you want to move forward and grow, you’ve gotta work through conflict.

That can be hard for people who are non-confrontational, but you can learn to view conflict as an opportunity to seek real peace. (The following tools can help!) You can learn to handle conflict well instead of shying away from it.

If you’re afraid of something, avoiding something, you’ll never show up as your best self.

Conflict is an opportunity to make a connection and establish peace.

This doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it, but you can engage in conflict because you value that relationship. Conflict is just part of growing with the people you’re with, and—when done right—can lead to stronger relationships and lasting fulfillment.

Occhiolism and Ubuntu

“Compassionate curiosity is a genuine desire to understand tempered with empathy and respect.” - Kwame Christian

Our core values guide us in so many ways. Occhiolism and Ubuntu are especially handy when we’re working through conflict.

Occhiolism - The awareness of the smallness of your perspective that leads to a thirst for understanding.

Ubuntu - A Nguni Bantu term that we’ve interpreted to mean, “I see you, I see me, and I am because we are.”

These two values are KEY to resolving conflict in a way that’s win-win for everyone. It’s a lot easier to develop compassionate curiosity when we see the other person as a person with valid concerns (Ubuntu) and realize that our perspective is very limited (Occhiolism).

Ubuntu leads to compassion. Occhiolism helps us develop curiosity.

Practicing these two values when you aren’t worked up can be really useful for helping you stay calm when conflict inevitably occurs.

This is part of why we do retreats and group activities like workouts and races. When you can see who someone is outside of work, you understand them better. It’s easier to know them. So when work conflicts come up, you have that strong Ubuntu, Occhiolism, and relationship foundation to work from.

Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.

We’re big fans of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and encourage all associates to attend a 7 Habits seminar every couple of years. (If you’re an associate and you want to sign up, talk to your team lead or a culture team member!)

Habit 5 is a great tool for handling conflict: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

There are two parts to this. Part one is listening with the intent to truly understand, not to respond or retort.

When someone is explaining their perspective to you, repeat back to them what you think they’re saying, and let them correct you if you didn’t get it quite right.

Only when BOTH of you are confident that you understand should you move on to Part Two: being understood.

This is Part Two for a reason! Communicating in a way the other person can understand is MUCH easier when you really get where the other person is coming from. You can then speak in a way they are more likely to resonate with. Misunderstandings still happen, of course, but this is why we keep exploring and discussing until we gain clarity.

Assume Positive Intent

“A lot of times, the other side is blissfully unaware of the impact that their behavior has on us. This is precisely why it’s our responsibility to stand up and say something if we really care about the relationship and if we really care about making positive change.” -Kwame Christian

One of our core practices at Redmond is to assume positive intent.

It’s rare when someone does something specifically to hurt us or get on our nerves. Most of the time, they have no idea how they’ve made us feel.

When we only observe behavior without considering the rest of the person (the stuff we can’t see), it’s easy to assume that person is being ignorant and/or a jerk.

Remember, a person’s behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a whole world of thoughts, emotions, motivations, fears, beliefs, and life circumstances, below the surface.

Asking Better Questions

Kwame Christian posits that asking better questions is extremely helpful in getting to the root of the other person’s concerns. We all know this of course. We know that “What is your problem?!” is likely to elicit a MUCH different (and less helpful) response than asking how someone’s feeling, without judgment.

Here are some examples of questions/requests that can lead to deeper understanding and real win-win solutions:

-What are your concerns?

-Tell me what you’re thinking/feeling.

-Help me understand.

If you struggle with this and tend toward the “What is your PROBLEM?!” end of the question spectrum, check your own intentions.

The Bottom Line: Relationships Are Worth It

“We don’t use compassionate curiosity because it’s easy, we use it because it’s worth it.” -Kwame Christian

Conflict usually isn’t comfortable, but it’s like working a muscle. You can get stronger and better at it. With practice, you can teach yourself that conflict is safe. Healthy conflict is how we get better and create true peace in all our relationships, both at work and at home.

Other Resources

Resolving the Heart of Conflict

Leadership and Self-Deception

The Power of Vulnerability

On Being Wrong

The 3rd Alternative

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

How to See a Person

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