It’s easy to feel connected and peaceful when things are going well in our lives. Sometimes, we can even find meaning in really hard things, once we’ve come out on the other side of them.
But what about the mundane, boring, annoying, forgettable, everyday stuff?
You know the stuff we mean. Think traffic, long grocery store lines, dentist appointments, getting your kids out the door in the morning, dealing with the jammed copy machine at work, making dinner for what feels like the 28,473th night in a row…the list goes on and on.
We tend to either ignore these everyday occurrences (on a good day) or feel annoyed and even wronged by them (on bad days).
But what if tedium is that magic place where we can find the most meaning and even growth?
In his 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College, the late David Foster-Wallace proposes exactly this. That, like fish in water, we often don’t even realize the value of noticing what’s all around us each day and choosing how we think about it.
Watch a selection of the talk here!
Main takeaways:
- We have the freedom to choose our thoughts, but we forget this when we’re stuck in default mode
- We are not, in fact, the center of the universe (even if it feels that way when we’re on hold with the power company)
- We can find tremendous growth and meaning in the mundane, if we choose to.
- The main benefit of education is learning to think, but this benefit is easy to miss.
Remember: This is Water
Or in other words, pay attention to the stuff we normally don’t pay attention to, and you might be amazed what you find.
The Default Setting
“If…you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won’t consider possibilities that aren’t annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options.” -David Foster-Wallace
We run on autopilot most of the time. This makes sense because if you had to consciously pay attention to EVERYTHING you normally do without much thought (tying your shoes, making coffee, breathing, digesting food, etc.) you’d be so overloaded that you’d have no mental space left for work, hobbies, relationships, or anything else you’d rather put your conscious energy into.
However, this natural feature of our minds can backfire when we fall into the trap of letting the routine and mundane aspects of life dictate our thoughts and emotions.
For most of us, the default mode, whether we realize it or not, looks something like this: Subconsciously, you expect the world around you to conform to your expectations and timing, and anything that doesn't is an inconvenience or an obstacle.
Don’t feel bad about this. These are basically our human factory settings and just how our brains function unless we choose otherwise. And the less we connect with others and engage with our lives, the more we think this way.
But when you get out of default mode, even just for a few seconds, it opens you up to choice and possibility that you can actually think and feel differently, and maybe be a little less grouchy when you’re waiting at the DMV.
So how do you even get out of the default mode?
You get to choose your thoughts
“The only thing that’s capital-T True is that you get to decide how you’re gonna try to see it.” -David Foster-Wallace
Step one to getting out of autopilot? Noticing you’re on autopilot and deciding to do something else. Because we are actually in charge of our thoughts.
True, you can’t control which thoughts pop into our heads automatically, but you can choose the NEXT thought, or how to respond to those first thoughts.
If you’re initially annoyed when the person in front of you grabs the last can of chicken broth you really need for your casserole tonight, that’s fine. But you can choose where to go from there. You can either stay grumpy or move on and pick something else for dinner.
You may want to roll down your window and shake your fist (or worse) at the person who just cut you off in traffic, or you can realize that they might have had a really hard day, or maybe they’re exhausted and just didn’t see you. Sure, that wasn’t a safe thing they just did, but at least you won’t take it so personally.
This is hard to do. You will never be perfect at it. No one is saying that you can be compassionate and perfect every second of every day or that you should expect to even get really good at it. But even trying can make your life better, because it’s within your power to choose and find meaning in these experiences.
Finding Meaning in the Mundane
“The point is that petty, frustrating crap like this is exactly where the work of choosing is gonna come in.” David Foster-Wallace
We don’t always need earth-shaking, profound experiences to learn and grow. We can learn from the little things, but the lessons in the mundane are often the lessons we refuse to learn. But these tasks make up so much of life, and this is where a lot of the growth is.
This is why monks of many different denominations spend most of their time studying, meditating, and serving, but also doing things like cleaning floors and weeding gardens. Why? Because this is part of their spiritual practice. They deliberately practice finding meaning in these mundane tasks.
The mundane things only feel mundane because of the repetition, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t important.
We can also learn to appreciate the mundane, because—not to get too morbid—those things might not be here tomorrow. Nothing is guaranteed, and you never know when you do those mundane things—picking up your kids, going to the gym, weeding your garden—for the last time.
This isn’t meant to be a guilt trip, but an invitation to broaden your perspective. (Here’s another great talk to learn more about gratitude in an approachable way!)
We can get wrapped up in the mundane, but don’t let the mundane interrupt the magic of the relationships we tend to neglect, both at home and at work.
Yes, your parents might talk your ear off about the latest neighborhood lawn care wars, but how much longer will they be around?
Yes, kids can drive you crazy and tear your living room apart the second you finish cleaning it, but they also bring so much joy and magic into your life.
Being present doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating the hard parts. Taking care of a sick child when you’re exhausted, or sitting with a dying loved one is hard. It can be painful. But that doesn’t make it any less profound or sacred.
- Remember, how we choose to interpret and engage with everyday experiences can profoundly impact our well-being. But the choice is yours.
The Real Value of Education
“…being self-aware involves recognizing that everyone around us has a life as complex and significant as our own.” -David Foster-Wallace
David Foster-Wallace proposes that the real value of education is learning to think and get out of the default setting. It’s learning to recognize and value other perspectives, and understanding that everyone has a story as rich as yours.
A lot of us miss this part of education. After all, you can be book smart and not people smart. Knowledge can’t take the place of connection. You can know a lot, but not value other perspectives. But if you do it right, education can give you the tools to develop empathy and compassion.
This is something we emphasize at Redmond. One of our core values is Ubuntu, or seeing ourselves and others clearly. We also talk a lot about assuming positive intent in our daily interactions. Also, one of our favorite books is Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute. This fable is all about learning to see people as people rather than just objects that get in our way.
When we get better at this, everything else in our lives gets better, which affects our relationships and our work.
At its best, education = empathy and the mental flexibility to choose how to respond to your surroundings.
Conclusion:
“You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t.” -David Foster-Wallace
Like fish in water, we don’t always recognize the value of the ordinary, even tedious things around us.
It’s so easy to get swept up in the everyday and start taking the everyday for granted. That includes our work, our colleagues, and our families. We can get so used to driving to work that we forget to look out the window and notice the amazing things, like that huge, gorgeous tree or that amazing old house. (But you know, keep your eyes on the road too!)
No matter how awesome our jobs are, there will be some days and some tasks we just don’t like. There will be frustrations and setbacks no matter what. Yes, routine and the constant demands of life can drive us crazy, this is also where we can find the most growth and meaning…if we want. The potential is there, and in us. But we have to be aware, and we have to make the choice.
David Foster-Wallace ends his speech with these words:
“It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:
‘This is water.’
‘This is water.’”
How will you choose to see that water?
