Time to read: 4 minutes
Article at a glance:
- Third alternatives go beyond compromise. They create solutions better than either side imagined by valuing curiosity, collaboration, and shared wins.
- Understanding both sides deeply is key: truly seeing your own goals and fully grasping the other party’s perspective unlocks new possibilities.
- Co-creation requires intention. It’s not just finding middle ground, but brainstorming boldly to build something even better together.
- “No deal” is okay if a third alternative isn’t possible, but when it is, it often leads to more joy, alignment, and sustainable success for everyone.
Too often, we fall into false dichotomies and assume there are only two options when, in reality, a third, better option exists.
An option that’s not my way or your way, it’s finding the best way together. It’s not choosing between being efficient and hearing more sides, but valuing both.
The third alternative is an option that’s better than what either party could have dreamed up on their own.
How to Find a Third Alternative
Author Stephen Covey lays it out in these four steps:
I see me. You understand what the best imaginable looks like for you.
I see you. You understand what the best imaginable looks like for the other person or party, and you can explain it back to them to their satisfaction. If they still don’t feel like you get what they’re saying, keep exploring together until you do understand.
I seek you out. You have to truly want to find a third alternative and believe that it’s possible. No ulterior motives allowed.
I synergize with you. This is where you jump in together and start brainstorming wildly to find a solution that makes you both even happier than you would have been if you’d have gotten your way from the start.
Simple? Yes. Easy? Not always.
What could this look like in real life?
Here’s an example:
Company X allowed office employees to work from home during the pandemic, but then asked them to come back to the office after things blew over. But the employees were used to working from home and wanted it to stay that way.
What would a third alternative look like? More importantly, what would the process of getting there look like?
Let’s walk through the four steps:
I see me.
The employees know what a win looks like for them. They want a good life blend. They like the productivity of working at home, working in their pajamas, and not having to spend the extra time and money on a commute. Working at home also allows them flexibility to be there for their families and take better care of themselves.
I see you.
The company wants the teams to spend time together so they can work synergistically. It’s harder to really know each other when you only communicate through chats and video calls, so they want employees to interact in real life.
I seek you out.
Everyone communicates, shares what wins look like for everyone, and discusses concerns until the employees can voice the company’s position, and those representing the needs of the company can express the employee’s concerns perfectly.
I synergize with you.
Now, they ask questions and brainstorm possibilities that work for everyone.
How much do people need to be in the office to get that awesome team synergy? Would 3 days in office and 2 days at home be the right mix of in person interaction and at-home productivity?
Can the company implement practices to make the office more comfortable, like nixing the business casual dress code, stocking the kitchen with healthy snacks, and investing in standing desks?
Can they set up a carpooling system to offset transportation costs and add some bonus unstructured time with teammates?
Can the company implement a flexible time policy to allow employees to pick kids up from school?
Would an on site gym and adjusted break structure help employees take care of their health and stay focused and productive?
The possibilities are endless, but they’d never know it if they aren’t open and willing to finding them.
The company might implement some of or all of these ideas to create a structure and environment that supports employees in mind, body, and spirit. Employees, in turn, come back to the office for some or all of the workweek.
This isn’t a compromise. The company wins because the employees are happy and productive and the employees win because their work is fulfilling and they have the flexibility they need to keep the rest of their lives in good shape.
What if there is no third alternative?
If you want Thai for lunch and your friend wants Italian, a third alternative might not be possible.
If you can’t find a third alternative and if compromise isn’t reasonable, the other option is no deal. You simply don’t work together. You cordially part ways and pursue your visions somewhere else.
In the example we talked about earlier, some employees might leave, and that’s okay! They have the power to do that and find a situation that works for them. No deal is always a viable option.
Not Easy, but Worth It
Exploring third alternatives isn’t the easier road, but when done well, it always leads to better outcomes than compromise, lose-win, or lose-lose situations.
This requires stubborn curiosity and a refusal to settle for easy answers. Instead of pushing for being right, we seek the best possible outcome.
We wouldn’t have it any other way!
