Time to read: 3 minutes
Article at a Glance
- Unhelpful behaviors often grow out of subconscious beliefs, mindsets, and paradigms we may not realize we have.
- The first step toward change is noticing patterns and friction in how you think, act, and respond to challenges.
- Instead of judging yourself, get curious and ask “why” to uncover the deeper beliefs driving your behavior.
- Lasting change happens gradually: as your underlying beliefs shift, your behaviors can begin to shift with them.
We all have subconscious beliefs, mindsets, and paradigms that get in our way. These cause us to act in ways that aren’t helpful to us or others.
We could go on and on about behaviors and different mindsets and paradigms that get in the way. (In fact, we’ve written about this before), but the important thing is, how do you recognize when you’re getting in your own way and start to change?
How to Get Out of Your Own Way
Step 1: Notice Unhelpful Thoughts and Behaviors
Recognizing unhelpful paradigms and mindsets is 90% of change. It’s also the trickiest part because it requires self-awareness.
A great way to start is to observe your behaviors.
Change is more about being than doing, but noticing actions is often the gateway to growth because they stem from our beliefs.
So, notice when there’s friction in your life. Notice how you respond to challenges, big and small. Especially watch for patterns.
Do you consistently take up a lot of space in conversations? Do you over-explain? Do you hold back what you’re seeing because you don’t think your perspective matters? Do you often say yes when you really want to say no? Do you wait for someone else to point out friction instead of speaking up? Do you tend to blame others when things don’t go well instead of examining your part in the situation?
This takes a lot of Reflection on your own and with others. Make sure to talk to others who see you clearly to learn about the things you do that you don’t even notice and how you come across to others.
The more you learn about helpful mindsets and paradigms, the easier it will be to see when you’re acting from less helpful ones.
Step 2: Get Curious
This is the fun part!
When you notice yourself acting or thinking in a less-than-helpful way, the next step is to get curious.
What do you believe that caused you to act that way? (It’s okay if you don’t know right away. Start with what you do know.)
Our beliefs and paradigms are often so deeply ingrained that we don’t realize they’re there, or that there’s any other way to think. (“Of course you need to get to the airport at least two hours before your flight. Everyone knows that.”)
This isn’t about blaming yourself or anyone else. It’s not about making excuses (i.e. I snapped at that person because I had a bad childhood and that’s just how I am.) This is about understanding yourself better.
Now, let’s ask some questions.
What can this look like?
Asking “why” several times to get to the root paradigm is a great practice.
For example, you notice that you often say yes when you should say no. Maybe you just said yes to a project you don’t actually have the bandwidth or the wiring for.
Now ask, Why?
Possible answer: The most helpful thing I can do is be available for every project, even if I don’t have the bandwidth.
Why do I think that?
Possible answer: Saying “no” is unhelpful. Helpful people never say no.
Why do I think that?
Possible answer: I want my team to see me as helpful.
Why?
Because being helpful and saying yes is part of belonging.
Ah. Now we’re getting somewhere.
The root paradigm in this example might be that you have to give beyond your capacity in order to belong.
That’s something you can be aware of, so the next time you’re presented with an opportunity you don’t have space for, you can really look at it and decide if saying yes would truly be helpful for the team, and not harm you in the process.
Tip: It can also help to apply this to others. Do you think others belong if they have to say no sometimes? We’re often much harsher on ourselves than others.
Change is Gradual
This cycle of awareness and curiosity is an upward spiral of gradual change and natural unfolding. As your beliefs evolve, so will your behaviors.
You might also feel like you keep running into the same issue over and over again. This is normal. After all, on an upward spiral, you’re going to come around to the same spot again and again, but with more experience and a slightly higher perspective. You might feel like you have to go through that cycle a few times before you notice change. It takes awhile for behavior to reflect your internal shift. Those paradigms run deep. (Many of them were installed in your childhood.) Rewiring your subconscious mind takes time!
We make conscious change first, then subconscious follows. It’s not a switch that flips.
You don’t have to cross-examine every single behavior or dig up all your unhelpful paradigms right away.
This is just an example of how this can look and some tools that might help. The bottom line is to notice when something doesn’t serve you and then get curious about it. That’s it.
Want to practice?
Read this post and notice if you see yourself in any of these behaviors. Get curious about the WHY behind those behaviors. What do you learn about yourself?
