How We (Accidentally) Diminish Others

Time to Read: 5 minutes

Article at a Glance:

• Well-intentioned behaviors can unintentionally diminish teammates, even when rooted in strengths or a desire to help.
• Explore common “accidental diminisher” tendencies like the Idea Guy, Optimist, Rescuer, Pacesetter, and Perfectionist.
• Many diminishing habits come from overusing our strengths without awareness of how others experience us.
• Self-awareness is key for supporting others without accidentally disempowering them.

We all want to be helpful, but sometimes our desire to help gets in the way of actually being helpful.

Here are some stories that might strike a chord.

Roger was always full of new ideas. He shared these sparks with his team constantly, almost as soon as they popped into his head. To Roger, he was just thinking out loud and playing with possibilities, but his team was unclear on which ideas they actually needed to act on. So, they’d try to do them all. Then, when Roger presented his next brainwave, the team felt like they had to change course. It was exhausting, and they didn’t get much done.

Joni’s team worked on the floor below Roger’s team, creating content. This team loved to take on exciting new projects, but sometimes they bit off more than they could chew. To Joni, this was an opportunity to rise to the occasion. “We can pull this off!” she’d tell her team, even when they were overwhelmed. But sometimes they didn’t need encouragement. They needed Joni to acknowledge that they were in over their heads. They needed to prioritize to relieve some pressure so they could work on the most important projects.

Next door to Joni was Amanda. Amanda wanted tasks to be done well, and she prided herself on giving incredible constructive feedback. Whenever someone brought her a project to look over, she immediately knew how to make it better and shared her ideas. Sure, sometimes projects took forever to be done to her standards…and she suspected people sometimes got frustrated with her…and more than once, she’s had to finish a project herself because no one else could seem to do it right…but it’s worth it for a high-quality result, right? Right?

Do these stories sound familiar?

Sometimes, we fall into the trap of trying to be helpful while accidentally diminishing others around us.

Common Ways We Diminish Others

Here are some of the most common types of accidental diminishers, adapted from Liz Wiseman’s book Multipliers.

This isn’t a complete list by any means, but it might give you some insights into how your strengths—when taken to extremes—can actually make life difficult for those around you.

The Idea Guy

These are creative, innovative thinkers who want to inspire creativity in others, but they often overwhelm people. Their team often feels pressured to chase the “idea of the day” and sometimes make very little real progress because they’re constantly changing directions. (This is our friend Roger from the introduction.)

The Optimist

These positive, can-do people think their belief in people will inspire them to new heights, but sometimes optimism goes too far and people don’t feel understood or seen. Their team might wonder if they appreciate the struggle and the possibility of failure, or if they’re just being unrealistic. (Do you recognize Joni from the intro?)

The “Always On”

These dynamic Energizer Bunnies think their energy is infectious, but they often dominate meetings and conversations and give others very little room to share what they’re seeing. After a while, others might start tuning them out.

The Rescuer

These empathetic people are quick to step in and help when they see someone struggling because they don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable or embarrassed. Ever. But people can become dependent on them instead of learning how to act for themselves.‍

The Pacesetter

These achievement-oriented folks strive to lead by example and expect others to notice and follow. But sometimes, the people they’re trying to inspire don’t have the skills or knowledge to keep up, or they simply sit back and watch when they get left behind.

The Rapid Responder

These people are quick to act, believing that they are building an agile, action-oriented team.

But what often happens is that the team moves slowly because of the traffic jam of too many decisions or changes.

They might also be so quick to jump on new tasks that they don’t give anyone else a chance to act.

The Protector

These vigilant teammates shield others from problems to keep them safe, but they inhibit their teams from developing autonomy and self-reliance. They might stem communication flow or withhold information that could actually be helpful.

The Perfectionist

These people strive for excellence and manage the fine details to help others produce superior work…or so they believe. Too often, people feel criticized, become disheartened, and stop trying. (Say hello to Amanda from earlier!)

How Do We Become Aware of Our Diminishing Tendencies?

Do you recognize any of these? Have you worked with any of them? Have you been any of them?

Accidental diminishing is rooted in a desire to be helpful. You could even call it a near enemy to helpfulness.

Our diminishing tendencies are usually tied to our strengths. If we aren’t self-aware—aware of our strengths and weaknesses and striving to understand how we impact others—our strengths can bias us towards solving problems in ways that make sense to us, even when those methods are actually counter-productive.

Have you heard the expression, “When you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail?”

That’s what happens when we do more of what we are already good at, even when it’s not the most helpful approach.

So, here are some questions to reflect on that might help you see where you can diminish others:

• Think about a recent interaction that felt tense, frustrating, or draining. What part might you have played in making it feel that way?
  

• In moments of stress or urgency, which of these tendencies show up most strongly for you? (These aren’t profiles or identities, but moments or tendencies to be curious about. It’s totally normal to have a rough day and have a diminishing moment.)
  

• What’s one small way you could create more space for other people’s perspective, growth, or contribution this week? (This could mean giving others space to figure things out, listening more and talking less, etc.)
  

Observe your own thoughts and behavior, and reflect on these regularly. What you find might surprise you!

Too Much of a Good Thing

Growth starts with reflection, feedback, and curiosity about our impact so we can support others without overwhelming or disempowering them.

Pay attention, talk to your team, and work to understand how others experience you. Self-awareness is the key to growth and true helpfulness!

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