Time to read: 5 minutes
Article at a Glance:
- Near enemies are behaviors that mimic core values but actually undermine them, like overgiving instead of true contribution.
- They often come from fear, not love, leading to disconnection, burnout, or stuckness.
- Key examples include pity vs compassion, rumination vs reflection, and codependency vs Ubuntu.
- Spotting near enemies helps us course-correct and live our values with more clarity and connection.
A few weeks ago, we wrote about the concept of near enemies, but here’s a quick recap: The concept of near enemies comes from Buddhism and describes something that appears to be a value, but it is actually a counterfeit.
For example, the near enemy of compassion may be pity. It’s easy to mistake for the actual value we want.
In our growth journeys, it’s easy to get sidetracked by near enemies, and we see this a lot at Redmond.
We can easily trip over near enemies to our core values, so let’s look at those near enemies and how to spot them, so we can adjust course and develop the true value.
How do we tell the difference?
True values are based in love and connection, while near enemies stem from fear and create disconnection.
So the best way to identify a near enemy is to ask yourself: Is this bringing me closer to or further away from love and connection?
Let’s take a closer look at the near enemies of our core values.
Near Enemies of Our Redmond Core Values
Passion for Contribution vs Overgiving
Passion for contribution is finding true joy in being helpful. It also means you care about actually being helpful and not just feeling or looking helpful. This leads you to pursue your 3 Circles, because that’s where you can joyfully contribute for a long time.
"Contributing" to the point of burnout, giving in a way that harms us, giving to look like a good person rather than to be a good person.
People pleasing can also be a counterfeit. Trying to please everyone isn’t actually helpful because we need conflict and friction to grow together as teams. If there’s no friction, then there’s probably a lack of candor, and we aren’t getting someone’s perspective. And we need everyone!
How do we tell the difference? Overgiving leads to burnout and resentment. You can’t connect if you’re fried or grumpy at people.
Occhiolism vs Agreeableness
It’s easy to overshoot Occhiolism and move instead into openness. While everyone’s perspective is valid, it doesn’t mean you have to agree with everyone, or that every perspective is helpful or that we need EVERYONE’S perspective on every issue. Occhiolism has to come with a strong foundation of principles, or you’ll just be tossed around on the waves of everyone’s opinion.
Openness can also lead to wishy-washiness, or not having an actual perspective of your own. If you’re waiting to see what everyone else thinks before you form any perspective of your own, you’re outsourcing your thinking. Taking other perspectives into consideration, but think independently as well.
How do we tell the difference? Groupthink/wishy-washiness causes you to hide yourself and your true connection. You can’t connect without candor and authenticity.
Ubuntu vs Codependency
Ubuntu, as we understand it, means understanding ourselves, seeing others clearly, and knowing that we are part of a larger whole. We succeed together.
Group think, on the other hand, means we don’t do anything without the group’s approval, or have any opinions of our own. Like openness, the group determines our actions and feelings rather than guiding them, or being a healthy factor.
It’s easy to slip and start taking responsibility for others’ feelings and even actions, and this can easily turn into enabling unhelpful and unhealthy behaviors. No good. Ubuntu should make us more of who we are, not less. If we find ourselves fading away into others, we might be in codependency, no Ubuntu.
How do we tell the difference? Codependency causes you to become less and less of yourself because you give too much to serve another person or dynamic. Again, you can’t truly connect if you aren’t being yourself.
Reflection vs Rumination
Reflection helps us learn from the past and move forward with new knowledge, but it shouldn’t make us feel bad. If we get stuck in regret, if we’re “reflecting” on the same thing over and over and not getting anywhere, we might be ruminating.
Ruminating doesn’t help us learn or grow; it just keeps us stuck in regret and focused on the negative.
How do we tell the difference? Rumination causes shame, anger, all kinds of stuff that prevents connection.
Renewal vs Numbing
Renewal is about sustainability. It should be energy-giving and help us grow. If our renewing activities drain us, if we find ourselves with little energy even though we’re renewing, we might be numbing instead. This is tricky because numbing can look different for everyone, and even yourself at different times. A challenging workout can be energy-giving, or it can feel punishing.
How do we tell the difference? Numbing gives us less energy over time, rather than more. It locks us into our past or current views of others and ourselves. None of those things foster connection!
Conclusion
Even with the best of intentions, we can still get stuck in the sticky trap of near enemies. But the more we learn to recognize these enemies and discern when we’re moving away from connection rather than toward it, the quicker and more easily we can adjust!
