Time to read: 4 minutes

Article at a glance:

• People-pleasing can look like avoiding conflict, seeking consensus, staying quiet, saying yes too often, or taking on more than you can handle.
• While these behaviors often come from a genuine desire to help or belong, they can slow decisions, hide valuable perspectives, and contribute to burnout.
• Instead of labeling people-pleasing as good or bad, notice when it happens and ask whether the behavior is actually helpful to you and your team.
• Getting curious about the beliefs behind your default behaviors can help you make more intentional choices and change from the inside out.

Lila works for a local boutique. She loves her team and her work, but the buying process takes forEVER, and it drives her crazy!

The buying team is full of highly considerate people, which can be a really great environment.

The problem is, it takes much longer than it should to decide what to bring into the store because no one wants to make a decision without full consensus. Many people won’t even voice an opinion until they know what everyone else thought because they didn’t want to rock the boat.

Frustrated, Lila finally summoned her courage and brought up the issue. After a little defensiveness that gradually turned to exploration, the team realized how codependent they had become. They cared more about pleasing each other than about making the store the best it could be.

Over time, they worked on seeking perspective instead of permission so the buying process could move more quickly, and more smoothly!

Have you ever experienced anything like this?

You’re not alone!

Let’s Talk About People-Pleasing

So what does it mean to people please?

It’s actually hard to pin down a definition, but a close one is trying to make others happy, often at the expense of your own needs and desires.

It could be an excess of consideration and a lack of candor.

It can mean doing things that aren’t aligned with your values or that are detrimental to you in order to please others.

People-pleasing can manifest in a lot of different ways, like saying yes when you want to say no, pretending to agree or not speaking up in order to avoid conflict, going along with something you don’t want to do, taking on more than you can handle, or seeking permission rather than perspective.

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We’re not saying people-pleasing is inherently bad, and these behaviors often stem from a desire to be helpful and to belong. But these things can cause problems.

How can people-pleasing get in the way?

If we lean too far into these behaviors, things might not get done because we’re waiting for permission or consensus.

We might lose touch with our own point of view.

We might not share what we’re seeing and stay quiet to keep the peace. We miss out on your perspective when you stay quiet. We’ll miss important points.

Conflicts and friction can fester if it isn’t brought up and worked through.

It can cause us to take on more than we can handle and spread ourselves too thin and burn out.

Sometimes it’s good to do things we may not like or aren’t great at if it helps the team and needs to get done (sweeping up after a shift, cleaning the bathroom, reloading the copier, etc.) but sometimes we take on tasks that we aren’t wired for and won’t do as well instead of letting someone who is wired that way handle it.

This is part of Ubuntu. We’re all part of a greater whole, but you don’t have to be miserable or spend most of your time feeling obligated in order to contribute.

Why do we people-please?

Almost all of us are “people pleasers” sometimes. Even if you aren’t a naturally conflict-avoidant personality, you might still do this in different ways.

There are lots of reasons for this. This has roots in what we believe and the paradigms we’ve adopted throughout our lives.

We can genuinely want to be helpful and not yet know the difference. (It’s a fine line!)

We might be naturally more conflict avoidant. (Personalities with a lot of white can be this way, though people-pleasing can show up for anyone.)

It can also be a form of perfectionism. Maybe you want to be seen as good and helpful or you feel like a failure if you have to say no or if someone is put out with you.

It’s okay if you don’t know the root right away. The important thing is to start exploring.

So, what do I do?

Notice and Ask Questions

When you notice yourself being a people pleaser, ask yourself: Is this actually helpful?

Does the tendency serve you? (it does in some way or you wouldn’t do it, but does it help you in the long run?)

Is this ultimately helpful to my team? (Or family, group, whatever.)

Remember, people-pleasing isn’t inherently good or bad. It’s just a tendency to pay attention to.

Sometimes we do things for others we don’t always want to do. We cook dinner for our families, clean up spills, and step up to help when it doesn’t sound fun because it’s helpful and necessary. We just don’t want most of our work to feel like an obligation.

So, notice the tendency. Notice patterns. Get curious. Ask questions. Question the paradigms that drive the behavior.

Then, ask yourself how (and if) you would like to act differently. Talk to your team to find out what would actually be helpful.

Over time, growth and change will happen.

When you get curious, shifts can happen naturally

We’ll leave you with this: Practice noticing whether your behaviors (and beliefs) are helping or getting in the way.

If you discover you have some unhelpful mindsets or beliefs that drive your people-pleasing, you’re not failing. You’re normal. In fact, realizing means you’re further in the journey than you think!

Noticing and getting curious about our default behaviors is the key to growth. Defaults are things we do without thinking, so if we can pay attention and notice which defaults are helpful and which ones aren’t, we can start changing from the inside out!

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